Coda-Plus

U R Responsible for Ur Own Actions

GOOD HABITS

7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, by Stephen Covey
Review 2007 Lloyd Kinder
== Inside Out
- Personality and Character Ethics
- Besides research on perception, SC did in-depth study of U.S. success literature since 1776
- That of the past 50 years came to seem superficial
- In the first 150 years or so, success literature focused on Character Ethic
- After WW1 the focus shifted to Personality Ethic, involving personality, public image, attitude, behavior....
- Some involved human relations and public relations while others involved positive mental attitude
- The thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies etc
- SC and his wife got prestige from their kids' good behavior, but their son didn't measure up
- After much struggle, they decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge
- They began to enjoy him as he was and stopped judging and comparing him
- He went thru some withdrawal pains as they stopped over-protecting him
- He developed an engaging and guileless personality, by which to relate to all kinds of people
- Primary and Secondary Greatness
- Trying to use human influence tactics to get others to do what we want, without developing our own characters, allowing duplicity and insincerity, cannot succeed in the long run
- The Power of a Paradigm
- If a map of Detroit were labeled as a map of Chicago, imagine the frustration of trying to reach your destination
- You could work on your attitude and think more positively
- You still wouldn't get to your destination, but maybe you wouldn't care, since you'd be happy anywhere
- The point is you'd still be lost
- In the picture of a woman who looks either young or old, if you saw her as young, you couldn't easily think in terms of helping her across a street
- Your attitude of and behavior toward her had to be congruent with how you saw her
- This reveals one of the flaws of the Personality Ethic
- Changing attitudes and behaviors does little good, when our paradigm is what needs changing most
- Everyone thinks they see things realistically or objectively, but they're all wrong
- The more we are aware of our paradigms or maps, the more we can be responsible for them, examine, test and compare them against others' maps and get a more objective view
- The Power of a Paradigm Shift
- The U.S. today is the fruit of a paradigm shift away from the traditional concept of government by divine right of kings
- Not all paradigm shifts are in positive directions, e.g. from the Character Ethic to the Personality Ethic
- Seeing and Being
- To see their son differently SC and his wife had to be different by growth of character
- Paradigms are inseparable from character
- Being is seeing
- The Principle- Centered Paradigm
- The Character Ethic contends that principles govern human effectiveness
- These principles are natural laws as real as gravity
- It's impossible to break the law; we only break ourselves [The Ten Commandments]
- These principles are part of every major religion, social philosophy and ethical system
- They seem to exist in everyone, even if subconscious in some
- The principle of fairness is an example, which is the basis of justice and equity
- Principles are not values
- Principles are the territory, while values are maps
- When we value correct principles, we have truth
- Principles of Growth and Change
- The appeal of the Personality Ethic is the expectation of quick fixes with little work or growth required
- Once kids gain a sense of real possession, they begin to share those possessions freely and spontaneously
- People who cannot give and share in their marriages and families may never have experienced a sense of possessing themselves, their identity or self-worth
- How We See the Problem Is the Problem
- Employees' apparently disloyal behavior may spring from doubts as to the employer acting in their best interests
- They may feel they're treated as objects, instead of people
- A New Level of Thinking
- The inside out approach is based on the idea that private success comes before public success; that keeping promises to ourselves comes before keeping promises to others
- It is futile to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves  
== 7 Habits
- Overview - Habits Defined
- To make something a habit, we must have knowledge, skill and desire
- Even when we know effective interaction requires listening, we may not have the skill to listen
- Happiness is the fruit of sacrificing what we want now for what we want eventually
- The Maturity Continuum
- Interdependence is the paradigm of we: we can do it; we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and efforts to create something greater together
- Much of the current emphasis on independence is a reaction to dependence thru which others manipulate us
- When we're interdependent, we're self-reliant and capable, but we realize we can accomplish far more working with others than alone
- Dependent people cannot choose to become interdependent, until they first become independent
- They don't have the character and don't possess themselves sufficiently
- Effectiveness Defined
- If you focus on getting the golden eggs and neglect the goose, you'll soon have neither
- Effectiveness lies in the balancing of production and maintenance
- 3 Kinds of Assets
- The quest for short-term returns or results tends to lead to wasting of prized assets: cars, computers, appliances, our bodies, the environment
- If we don't continually invest in maintenance, we lose options
- Marriage partners who focus on their golden eggs, their pleasures, tend to neglect their relationship, becoming insensitive and inconsiderate
- If you condition your kids to getting golden eggs, without caring for the goose, they grow up without a sense of standards and without a commitment to discipline and responsibility
- Organizational Maintenance
- The principle with employees is to treat them as you want them to treat your best customers
- Ineffectiveness is the eternal student who never gets out and produces anything
- How to Use This Book
- The material herein is meant to be a companion for continuous change and growth
- Shift your own involvement in the material from the role of learner to that of teacher
- As you openly and honestly share what you're learning with others, you may find negative labels others put on you disappearing
- What You Can Expect
- You'll come to care less about what others think of you and more about what others think of themselves and their relationships  
== Private Victory
- Habit 1 - Be Proactive
- Principles of Personal Vision
- Try to look at yourself as if you're across the room seeing yourself as you're reading
- We willl not be able to understand how others see and feel about themselves until we take into account how we see ourselves and others
- Because of our ability of self- awareness, we can examine our paradigms to determine if they're based on principles, i.e. reality, or on mere conditioning and conditions
- The Social Mirror
- Environmental Determinism says your environment is responsible for your situation
- Between Stimulus and Response
- Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, one day in a death camp, naked and alone in a small room, began to become aware of the "last of the human freedoms," the freedoms that the Nazis couldn't take away from him
- He realized he was a self-aware being who could observe his own situation under deprivation
- He realized he could decide how he reacted to his conditions Between the stimulus of deprivation and his response to that stimulus he found he had freedom and power to choose his response
- He imagined himself in a classroom giving his students the lessons he was learning during his very torture
- Thru such mental, emotional and moral disciplines of memory and imagination, he exercised his minute freedom so that it grew and grew, soon becoming greater than the freedom of his Nazi captors
- He became an inspiration to those around him, including some of the guards
- He helped others find dignity and meaning in their suffering and prison life
- In utterly degrading conditions, he used the human endowment of self-awareness to discover the fundamental principle that between stimulus and response is human freedom to choose
- Despite our programming via instincts and training, our human endowment allows us to write new programming totally apart from the old programming
- Proactivity Defined
- Responsibility means the ability to choose your response
- Proactive people recognize this responsibility
- They don't blame circumstances or conditioning for their behavior
- Their behavior is a product of their own value-based choices, rather than old programming
- It's only our response to what happens to us that hurts us
- Our most difficult experiences are what forge our character and develop our internal powers of freedom of choice
- What matters most is how we respond to what happens to us
- Difficult circumstances help create paradigm shifts, or new frames of reference, by which to understand the world and our life's purpose
- Taking the Initiative
- People who want better jobs should use more initiative, to study their industry of interest and even specific problems therein, and then to develop an effective presentation showing how they can help solve those problems
- This is called solution selling, a key to business success
- When family members, even young ones, irresponsibly wait for other members to make things happen for them, tell them to use R and I, i.e Resourcefulness and Initiative
- Act or Be Acted Upon
- The difference between initiators and non-initiators is a difference of over 5,000% effectiveness
- All groups, including families, can be proactive, combining the creativity and resourcefulness of proactive members to create a proactive culture within the group
- Listening to Our Language
- If you don't have love for your spouse, then love him or her in order to find that love
- Reactive people use love as a feeling
- Proactive people use love as a verb, or action
- Don't suppress feelings, but subordinate your feelings to your values
- Circle of Concern/Circle of Influence
- Whichever Circle we spend most of our time in determines how proactive we are
- Proactrive people focus their time in the Circle of Influence
- Direct, Indirect and No Control
- We have over our problems either direct control, indirect control, or no control
- We can solve direct control problems by improving our private habits 1, 2, & 3
- We solve indirect control problems by improving our public habits 4, 5, & 6
- No control problems we solve with the Serenity Prayer
- The Other End of the Stick
- The proactive approach to a mistake is be aware of it, correct it immediately and learn from it
- Not to correct it or learn from it is a worse mistake, which tends to lead to rationalization and self-deception
-  Immediately admitting and correcting mistakes prevents their spoiling the next and future moments for us
- Making and Keeping Commitments
- Thru self-awareness and conscience we find in ourselves areas of weakness that need improvement, areas of talent that need to be developed, defects that need to be changed or removed
- In our Circle of Influence we find two ways to put ourselves in control of our lives immediately
- We can either make and keep a promise to ourselves or set and work to achieve a goal
- By making and keeping even small commitments we establish and become aware of inner strengths of self-control and courage to accept more responsibility for our lives
- Our honor becomes greater than our moods
- The power to make and keep commitments to ourselves is essential to developing habits of effectiveness
- Proactivity Suggestions
- For a full day listen to how often you and others use reactive phrases, like "if only," "I can't," "I have to"
- Think of a frequent situation in which you normally use or think such reactive phrases, e.g. think of a situation that often upsets or frustrates or disappoints you
- Think of how you could change your thinking to proactive instead of reactive
- Think of the situation as the stimulus that prompts you to react and remind yourself that you can proact instead of react
- Vividly picture in your mind how you will proact the next time you're in this situation and make a commitment to yourself to use your freedom of choice of response
- Be aware of your increasing Circle of Influence for several weeks  
== Habit 2
- Begin with the End in Mind
- Principles of Personal Leadership
- Imagine your funeral and several people from different areas of your life giving speeches about you
- What would you like them to say about your?
- What difference would you like to make in such people's lives?
- Make this your goal in life, i.e. how you want to affect people before you die
- To begin with the end in mind means begin with your final farewell in mind
- Start now to see everything you do and think in terms of this new paradigm or viewpoint by which to judge your progress
- All Things Are Created Twice
- The first creation is mental and the second is physical, when we carry out our mental plan
- If you want to raise responsible, self-disciplined kids, you must keep in mind this goal as you interact with them each day
- By Design or Default
- If we don't develop self- awareness and take responsibility for first-creation mental planning, we permit people and circumstances outside our Circle of Influence to shape our lives by default
- Either we become the second creation of our own responsible proactive design, or we become the second creation of other people's agendas thru ineffective habits
- Habit 1 makes you a creator
- Habit 2 is your first creation, i.e. visualizing how you turn out
- Leadership and Management, the Two Creations
- Habit 2 is leadership, which is your first creation
- Leadership asks: What are the things I want to accomplish, which is the first requirement
- Management asks: How do I accomplish it, which is the second requirement
- Management without leadership is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic
- For the rearranging to do any good, you have to be on the right ship
- Parents often fall into the management paradigm trap, thinking of control, efficiency and rules for the kids, without first providing direction, purpose, sovereignty and empathy
- Rescripting Yourself
- Rescripting means to begin each day with character values firmly in mind
- Remind yourself often that you can make your decisions thruout the day based on those values
- You can act with integrity
- You don't have to react to upsets and circumstances
- You can be proactive, if your values are kept clear
- Personal Mission Statement
- The best way to begin with the end in mind is to write a personal mission statement
- It focuses on what you want to be, your character, and what you want to do, your accomplishments in life, and on the principles which produce your character
- Victor Frankl developed a philosophy called logotherapy, which teaches that many mental or emotional illnesses are really symptoms of the sense that life is meaningless or empty
- Logotherapy eliminates the emptiness by helping people discover their unique meaning and mission in life
- For you mission statement, remember what difference you want to make in the lives of your loved ones and others before you die
- Write this down and display it prominently in your home as a daily reminder
- Identifying Your Center or Paradigm
- Your center is what your main concern is in life
- Determine if you are centered on your spouse, your family, money, work, possessions, pleasure, friend/s, enemy/s, church, or self
- Any of these centers tends to limit your personal effectiveness
- You may fluctuate from one center to another with no sense of consistent direction, wisdom, power, worth, or identity
- A Principles Center
- Correct principles are the best center for us
- There are positive consequences if we live in harmony with principles
- There are negative consequences if we don't
- The more we know of true principles, the greater is our personal freedom to act wisely, with positive consequences
- A Principles Center allows us to see the whole picture of our lives, our family needs, work needs and the others, and to take "all" factors into account to find the best solutions for the whole
- The Principles Center makes us proactive, to knowledgeably and consciously choose the best alternatives, instead of letting us be acted upon by others and circumstances only
- You have confidence in your decisions, because they're based on principles which have predictable long-term results
- This makes your decisions comfortable so you can better focus on them and enjoy the results
- Becoming Principles centered, you see things differently, which causes you to think and act differently
-  Habit 1 says: You are the programmer
- Habit 2 says: Write the program for your character
- The personal mission statement is your program
- You must realize you are the programmer before you can decide to write the program
- Two Ways to Tap the Right Brain
- The more we can draw on the right brain, the more fully we can visualize, synthesize, transcend time and circumstances, and get the whole picture of what we want to be and do in life
- Expand Perspective
- Thru imagination, you can visualize your own funeral, as we did earlier, Write out your eulogy in detail
- Visualize milestones in your life in detail too, your 25th and 50th wedding anniversaries, your retirement
- Involve your emotions and your senses as much as possible in the visualizing
- Students can imagine having only one more semester to live while staying in school as a good student and then visualizing how they would spend that semester
- They should live with that expanded perspective for a week and keep a diary of their experiences during that week
- The results are tremendous and tend heighten feelings of love and respect for others
- Visualization and Affirmation
- Suppose one of your values in your personal mission statement is your deep love for your kids, but you get impatient with them, when they don't do as you like
- Use visualization to write an affirmation of how you want to respond instead of with impatience
- Effective affirmations have 5 ingredients: they're personal, positive, present tense, visual and emotional
- For impatience your affirmation can say: I respond with wisdom, love, firmness and self-control, when my kids don't do as I like
- Picture in your mind in rich detail a situation in which your kids do something you don't like
- Then see yourself handle the situation with the means listed in your affirmation
- This is how you can rewrite your own program
- A football player was constantly getting uptight
- It was apparent he was visualizing being uptight
- He was then told to visualize relaxation in the midst of high pressure circumstances
- If we visualize the wrong thing, we produce the wrong thing
- Dr. Charles Garfield's research showed that world-class athletes are visualizers, who see, feel and experience their feats before they actually perform them
- This is how to begin with the end in mind
- SC reviewed hundreds of books on success that dealt with visualization and the claims seemed fundamentally sound
- Much of the literature came originally from many authors' studies of the Bible
- Identifying Roles and Goals
- Everyone has several roles in life
- People who want to be more effective in life have a tendency not to think broadly enough
- They tend to focus on one center and neglect others
- E.g. they may focus on work and neglect health
- Write down each of your most important roles, such as spouse, parent, offspring, relative, worker, volunteer, friend, religion, student, and write your goals for each role
- Effective goals focus on results, what you want to be, rather than activity, what you want to do, as the latter is determined by the former
- Family Mission Statement
- Many families generally experience a crisis-style of management, with quick fixes and instant gratification, instead of using sound principles. Writing a refining a family mission statement is a key to family improvement. As family members work together to create their mission statement, they are restoring or maintaining the relationship functions of the family
- Get input from every family member in drafting the mission statement. Get feedback after the first draft and revise it accordingly
- This gets the family talking and communicating on things that deeply matter
- There needs to be periodic review by the whole family to expand perspective and restore direction, maintaining family unity under common values and purpose
- You may put your family mission statement on the wall of the family room or any of the "public" rooms, where all can reread it daily
- You may like to use phrases in the statement, like love in the home, order, responsible independence, cooperation, helpfulness, developing talents and skills, showing appreciation, giving service to others
- When your family plans goals and activities, you may like to begin by asking something like: "In light of these principles, what goals should we work for?" "What actions should we take to reach these goals?"
- Good times to rework the goals and actions are at the beginning and end of the school year
- Organizational Mission Statements
== COPY p. 140-1
- For any group, there is a big difference between the effectiveness of a mission statement created by the whole group and one created by a small part of the group
- The problem with not letting everyone help create the mission statement is that, without involvement in making the statement, members do not feel committed to it
- No involvement, no commitment
- Application Suggestions
- Identify a project you may face soon and use visualization, writing down the results you desire and what steps lead to those results
- Share Habit 2 information with your family, work group, or any group and suggest developing a goup mission statement together  
== Habit 3 - First Things First
- Principles of Personal Management
- Write down the answers to these 2 questions: What one thing could you do on a regular basis that would make a big positive difference in your personal life; And what one thing could you regularly do that would make a big difference in your job?
- Habit 3, first things first, is practicing effective self-management
- Power of Independent Will
- What makes Habit 3 possible is independent will
- It takes willingness to put first things first
- Habit 2, self-leadership, decides what things are first and Habit 3, self-management, is the discipline carries out the decision that puts them first each moment and each day
- Fourth Generation Time Management
- The best idea in the field of Time Management is that of Organizing and executing arouind priorities
- Quadrant II
- In a Time Management Matrix in which plans are divided into 4 categories according to Urgency vs. Importance, Quadrant I activities are Urgent & Important, i.e. Pressing problems; Quadrant II activities are Non-urgent & Important, i.e. prevention, relationships, opportunities, planning etc; Quadrant III and IV are Unimportant, tho Urgent or Non-urgent
- Without Habit 2, i.e. deciding what's important, we tend to spend way too much time in Quadrants III & IV on Urgent unimportant matters and less stressful trivia and pleasures
- Quadrant II is the most productive one to spend time with, tho Quadrant I cannot be ignored
- Quadrant II includes making a personal or group mission statement, preparations, preventive maintenance etc
- Effective people are not focused on problems, but on opportunities
- Quadrant I should be kept small, while Quadrant II should be maximized
- Quadrant II concerns answering the question: What several things done regularly would make a big difference in your life or job?
- What It Takes to Say No
- To say Yes to important Quadrant II priorities, you have to regularly say no to unimportant concerns, even if they seem urgent
- Even when urgent things are good, good often takes time away from better and best things and those are the most important
- Good is not important, if there are better things to do
- When asked if their main fault is lack of prioritizing, lack of organizing around priorities, or lack of discipline to execute priorities, most people say lack of discipline
- But this seems to be incorrect, because the basic fault is that priorities are not committed to, due to failure on Habit 2, writing one's program of mission and goals,
- Quadrant II focus grows from a Principles Center
- If you're centered on other things besides principles, like spouse, work, money etc, you keep spending time out of Quadrant II and in ineffective matters
- Even if centered on yourself, you're still only reacting to impulses of the moment, instead of proacting
- Independent will alone cannot overcome your center, or your focus, on unstable, undependable things
-  Moving into Quadrant II
- First generation Time Management gave us a minor sense of accomplishment with to-do lists that could be checked off when done, but no priorities were attached
- The first generation used externally imposed disciplines and schedules, which made people feel they weren't responsible for results
- Becoming a Quadrant II Self-Manager
- For each of your more important roles that you wrote down earlier, write one or more goals you decide you should seek to accomplish in the next 7 days  
== COPY p. 166-7
- Weekly Work Sheet
- Take a few minutes each morning to review your schedule and revise anything if needed
- It is not effective to try to prioritize activities before deciding if they really relate to your mission and goals
- It's useless to accomplish things thru prioritization that you shouldn't be doing at all
- Living It
- The popularity of responding to unimportant priorities of other people or the pleasure of escaping [Quadrants III and IV] will threaten to make you forget important activities of Quadrant II
- Your Principles Center must be maintained to prevent that
- Efficiency isn't a proper approach to people
- For people you need to think in terms of effectiveness, while with things you can think in terms of efficiency
- Stewardship Delegation
- You can increase effectiveness by delegating responsibilities or stewardship
- This requires getting a clear up-front understanding and commitment to your expectations
- Explain your desired results and visualize them with your delegate
- Provide clear guidelines re important restrictions of the delegate's activities
- Identify resources to help your delegate
- Specify good and bad consequencies of the delegate's completed task  
== COPY p. 175-8
- A family that is well organized with tasks properly delegated can accomplish all of their tasks in about an hour a day
- Application Suggestions
- Write down something you could do regularly that could make a big difference in your life or your work and make a commitment to do it
- Make a list of responsibilities you could delegate and people you could delegate to and determine how to start the process of delegating
- Organize your next week's plans
- First write down your roles and the goals for each role
- Then schedule your goals for specific times during the week
- At the end of the week determine how well your plans fulfilled your values and purpose
- Commit to organizing on a weekly basis with a regular time to do it  
== Public Victories
- Paradigms of Interdependence
- Interdependence is beyond independence to the level of fruitful cooperation with others
- We often live for years with the chronic pain of ladk of vision, leadership, or management in our personal lives, because we get used to it and it tends to become subconscious
- But when problems come up in interactions with others, this pain becomes conscious and acute and doesn't go away without resolving it
- The product [golden eggs] of interdependence is effectiveness, synergy, wonderful results created by open and positive interaction with others
- We need to take care of the goose regularly to keep getting those golden eggs
- We need to create and manitain our interdependent relationships
- Emotional Bank Account
- This is a metaphor for picturing the amount of trust that gets built in a relationship
- When we make deposits in the account, thru courtesy, honesty and keeping commitments, we build up our account
- People trust us
- When we show disrespect too much, the account becomes depleted
- Our most constant important relationships, like marriage, require the most constant deposits of respect, kindness and keeping promises
- Six Major Deposits are: Understanding the Individual
- Attending to the Little Things
- Keeping Commitments, i.e. promises
- Clarifying Expectations
- Showing Integrity
- and Apologizing When We Make Mistakes
- By keeping promises with our kids, they learn to trust us and to accept our advice and suggestions
- The cause of most relationship problems is giving conflicting or unclear expectations about goals and who has what role/s
- So it's important in any new situation to get all of our expectations on the table
- An important way to show integrity is by being loyal to those who are not present, by not criticising them behind their backs or condoning such criticism, unless the person being criticised is abusive and the critic needs help
- When we defend those who are absent, those present will more likely learn to trust us
- When someone criticises an absent person in our presence, we can show understanding and suggest that we and the critic go to the person and ask for resolution of the complaint
- To be trusted is to be loved
- Apologies build up your trust account, but repeated apologies tend to suggest insincerity, if a problem is not corrected, and this helps to deplete your trust account
- Laws of Love and Life
- The key to preventing rebellion against us is to make constant deposits of unconditional respect
- It is more noble to give of yourself to one person, than to work diligently to save many, as the latter tends to be more superficial
- When anticipating confronting a harsh person, visualize harmonious results around your principles, rather than practices
- Production Problems are Maintenance Problems
- When parents can see their kids' problems as opportunities for growth, instead of as negative irritations, the interaction is completely changed
- People in business often are successful using this attitude with customers: customers' problems are opportunities for the businessperson  
== Habit 4 - Think Win/Win
- Principles of Interpersonal Leadership
- When people don't cooperate, it means they're being rewarded not to cooperate and the reward needs to be withdrawn
- Using competition to achieve cooperation is usually futile
- Win?Win or No Deal
- When two parties cannot come up with a synergistic solution to a problem that would benefit both, they should agree to make no deal at all, tho this event is likely to be rare
- As an example, when family members can't agree on a video that everyone would enjoy, they can decide to do something else
- The video was a No Deal, but the something else, is a Win/Win
- Character
- When you can express your feelings and convictions with a balance of courage and consideration for the feelings and convictions of others, you're mature and responsible, especially when the issue is important to both parties
- Win/Win requires an Abundance Mentality, in which we believe there is plenty of something for everyone  
== Habit 5 - Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
- Principles of Empathic Communication
- Use Active Listening
- Only 10% of our communication is by words, 30% by our other sounds and 60% by body language
- Empathic Active Listening is a key to building out trust accounts, because nothing builds the account unless others perceive it correctly
- Satisfied needs do not motivate us
- After physical survival needs, the greatest need is psychological: to be understood, affirmed, validated and appreciated
- You can say: Let me see if I understand your position and your concerns about my recommendations. When you feel that I understand, then let's see if my proposal has any use to you
- Diagnose Before You Prescribe, because we can't have confidence in the prescription, if we don't trust the diagnosis
- Good judgment requires understanding
- By judging before understanding, we don't really get to understand
- Then Seek to Be Understood
- You might say: Let me see if I understand what your objectives are and whar are your concerns about my recommendation  
== Habit 6 - Synergize
- Principles of Creative Cooperation
- Creative endeavors are usually somewhat unpredictable
- You need to develop a high tolerance for ambiguity, or you'll find highly creative efforts unnerving and unpleasant
- You may need to reduce your need for structure and predictability  
== COPY p. 265-7
- Synergy in the Classroom
- Synergy and Communication
- When there is enough respect among members of a group, they need to understand each other, instead of opposing and defending
- The lowest level of communication, due to low trust, is defensiveness, protectiveness, legalistic language, which covers the bases and provides escape clauses
- The middle level is respectful communication, which is the level of fairly mature people
- The highest level with high trust is synergistic, producing solutions better then any that are thought of initially
- Negative Synergy
- Some people talk Win/Win, but they don't really want to listen; they only want to manipulate
- Synergy can't occur with them
- Insecure people think reality should conform with their paradigmatic views
- Interpersonal synergy seems to require intrapersonal synergy, i.e. from synergy within ourselves
- Valuing the Differences
- Synergy requires valuing teh mental, emotional and psychological differences between people
- Effective people are humble enough to recognize their perceptual limitations and appreciate others' differing perceptions as resources of opportunity to improve their own perception
- When left to our own experience, we always suffer from lack of data
- We can say: I'm glad you see the issue differently; will you help me see it the way you do?
- We don't learn anything talking to people who agree with us, but by talking with those who see things differently -Force Field Analysis
- Legal processes are sometimes necessary, but they should only be a last resort
- They tend to reduce or prevent synergy
- All Nature Is Synergistic
- When you can think of only two alternatives, you can look for a third alternative and you can expect the third one to be almost certain to exist and to be synergistic
- Application Suggestions
- Think about a person who typically sees things differently than you do
- Perhaps you should seek that person out for a problem and try to find synergy
- Think of a situation in which you want better teamwork
- Think of how to create conditions that would support synergy in the situation
- When you have a disagreement with someone, try to understand their concerns and look for creative, mutually beneficial results
- Habit 7 - Renewal
- Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal
- The Physical Dimension of Renewal
- A good exercise program includes work on endurance, flexibility and strength
- Endurance should involve getting your pulse over 100  for ten minutes a day or equivalent, which is easiest to do by walking or bicycling uphill
- Get flexibility thru stretching and strength thru use of weights, push-ups, pull- ups etc
- Spiritual Dimension
- Martin Luther advised that if you have a lot to do, spend extra time in prayer
- We can visualize the events of the day ahead working out in harmony with our values
- Mental Dimension
- Limit tv watching to a few hours a week, or about one hour a day, on let it be worthwhile things that you watch
- Discuss this with your family
- Read one good book each month at a minimum to start with
- Some day you will be in the worst struggle of your life
- What you do now to build your character will determine the results of that struggle
- Social-Emotional Dimension
- Practive Habit 4 with someone with whom you see things differently
- Ask the person if they will agree to talk the matter over, looking for mutual understanding, until both feel good about the results
- Success with Habits 4, 5 and 6 comes, not so much by intellect, as by emotional growth, resulting in a greater sense of personal security
- Intrinsic security comes from effective interdependent living
- One important source of this security is your work, when you see yourself making a difference
- Scripting Others
- If you were a positive scripter of other people, you'd inspire them toward a higher path, despite lower path social pressures
- A class of schoolkids who normally got low grades was once mislabeled thru computer error as a class who got high grades and the class who actually did get good grades was mislabeled as getting low grades
- The teaches perceived the two classes in the opposite ways in which the classes were used to being perceived and the teachers treated the kids the opposite of what the kids were used to
- The result was the both classes actually got significantly better ans worse grades according to how the teachers treated them and according to the teachers' perceptions
- When asked how things went in the first few weeks of class, the teachers of the low grade students who thought they were teaching high grade students said their methods weren't working very well
- So they changed their methods, being proactive
- This shows that apparent learning disability of students is often due merely to teachers' inflexibility
- If we see people in terms of their unseen potential, we can use our imagination with them instead of our memory
- Balance in Renewal
- Neglecting one dimension of renewal has negative impact on the other dimensions of our renewal
- This is true in organizations and groups as well as in individuals
- Organizations can overdo the social-emotional dimension, as much as any other, and the result is usually that it fails in the marketplace, without also involving the physical dimension of making profits
- Synergy of Renewal
- A minimum of one hour a day in renewal of the physical, spiritual and mental dimensions is key to maintaining the 7 Habits and it's all within your Circle of Influence
- Upward Spiral
- By continually repeating the process of Learning, Committing and Doing we can move upward in spiral fashion to increasingly higher planes of effectiveness
- Application Suggestions
- List activities you could enjoy over time that would keep you in good physical shape and fit your lifestyle
- Select one of the activities and list it as a goal for your personal role for the week

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